I know a song
by CheeseFromJupiter
Summary: In order to pull in more audiences, Cheese writes a SSB:M fic. Mainly one about the smashers failing an inspection by the NTA National Tournamentship Assosiation. Wheeeee.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The smashers gathered around the notice board to see if any news had sprung up over the last few hours. Fights had been called off due to the heat wave that had been predicted on the news, and new, exciting activities the residents of the mansion could take part in were folding socks, watching paint dry, and gathering around the water cooler to discuss last nights episode of Coronation Street.

They were in for a surprise however; the notice board, which was rarely ever changed due to the fact that they never really had much things to do except fight and laze about, had a piece of paper stapled to it. It didn't really give information, except to report to the assembly hall immediately after lunch.

At once, there was a sudden uproar. Most people were wondering how Master Hand actually had the time to put a sheet of paper up on a neglected notice board – Many others, however, were discussing what it could be about.

"Well." Zelda announced. "I suppose we shall just have to wait and see."

Lunch had been and gone quickly enough, and now the smashers sat in the assembly hall. Young Link sat with his elder self, and the two other swordsmen, Marth and Roy.

"So," Marth said to Link. "What do you think it's about?"

"I don't know." Link replied. "Probably getting married or something."

"Master Hand?" Marth scoffed. "Get married? Oh, come on!"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Roy half screamed. "Maybe he's going to let us spend more money on food!"

This aroused plenty of interest from the people around them. It was a well-known fact that the tyrannical and scary but sort of nice dictator only let his wards spend thirty-five pence (Or seventy American cents, or forty-two rupees, or ten pieces of Altean/Pherean gold.) a day on each meal. Luckily, though, some of the people of surrounding villagers took pity and sent charitable trays of baking and tins of soup and what-not, which Master Hand kept for social evenings and the like.

"Order!" A loud, commanding voice bellowed from the stage. "Order!"

The hall was silent. Then, somewhere far away, in the US of A, George Bush finally got the joke about his last name. And then, the story continued.

"Now, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to know that I have some long, incredibly tedious announcements to make!"

There was a profound groan amongst the smashers, before Master Hand carried on.

"Now, I'm sure you'll all be very pleased to know that I have fixed the second floor toilet. Also, we will very soon play host to an inspector who will grade us and see if we are fit to continue hosting tournamentships. As well as that, the new word I just invented, tournamentship, will be added to the Collins dictionary. Huzzah for me! Shoppers for supplies and food this week will be; Mewtwo and Peach. They are also to be accompanied by Young Link and Ness. Thank you."

As soon as Master Hand had finished, there were several different reactions; a sigh of relief from the smashers who weren't Mewtwo or Peach, and utter confusion at what the inspector would think of their shoddy living quarters.

"So," Master Hand continued. "You will all clean up in your own way. I myself am going to install some professional looking software on my computer and delete any files Crazy may have downloaded and renamed 'definatelynotporn.zip'."

More groans, this time from all. Then Peach realized she had been picked to go shopping and let out a squeal of delight. Mewtwo buried his face in his hands.

"Ooh!" Peach screeched. "Mewtwo! Look at this!"  
"Peach, let us just get what we're here for, okay?" Mewtwo snapped, before grabbing his female companion by the scruff of her neck and dragging her in the direction of the tins of soup.

"Milk!" Young Link said blissfully, gazing over at the fridge-y part of the supermarket longingly.

"Potatoes!" Ness cried, pointing at the fruit and veg.

"Toilet roll!"

"Lederhosen!" Link squealed, pointing over to a lederhosen stand surrounded by eager Germans looking for special offers.

Mewtwo clapped a hand to his forehead. People were starting to stare.

"Young Link, Ness." He said, taking several breaths to stop the whole shop from exploding. "Settle down please."

"SHI--"

"Alright, we're leaving."

_Yay! This was my first fanfiction ever written, and all I've done to it is fix spelling and grammar. Hurrah! Toblerones! Hurrah! I need more chocolate! Hurrah! Reviews make me happy! Hurrah! I need to stop saying hurrah! Hurrah!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"I know a song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, I know a song that gets on your nerves, and it goes like this; I know a song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, I know a song that…"

"Young Link!" Mewtwo screamed, clutching the steering wheel desperately. "Ness! Stop that singing!"

"…And it goes like this…"

Peaches air bag exploded in her face.

"Alright, you two, you have to the count of three, and if you don't stop by then, I am turning this car around, and we are heading home!"  
"I know a song that gets on your nerves, get on your nerves…"

"One."

"…And it goes like this…"

"Two."

"I know a song that gets on your nerves."

"One!"  
"Erk!" Young Link said, as Mewtwo broke suddenly and he flew towards the window. Noticing that they were already outside the large mansion, they got out and walked up the path.

In front of the door stood a tall, reed thin woman wearing a tweed twin suit. Her brunette hair was pulled back in a tight bun, and her spectacles were balanced haphazardly on the end of her pointed nose. Not even the cutest guinea pig in the world could break her steely gaze. And _everyone _loves guinea pigs! You know how they're all cute and cuddly and they always go "squee!" when you pick them up? Yeah.

"Hello." She said. "I'm Miss Lawson, your inspector. Lets get started."

She rung the doorbell, and Master Hand opened it.

"Who's this?" He said, looking her up and down. "But… My hooker isn't due for another couple of hours…"

"Not off to a very good start, I see." Lawson said, making a note on her clipboard and clicking her tongue impatiently. "Let me see the inside, now. Open up."

Master Hand went a deep shade of crimson, before floating away from the door to let the woman in. She walked down the hall steadily, her high heels clacking against the floor with each step. She invited herself into Master Hand's office, and the rest followed.

"Hmm…" She mused, clicking around on the computer. "Microsoft Excel. Impressive, Hand. But I see that you to clear your history of naughty sites?"

"Ah.. yes, well, funny story!" Master Hand stuttered. "Uh, well, see, this perverted old man came into the mansion and shoved me away from the computer and started going onto those kinky sites which feature nude hands! Then he…"

"Just don't let me see them in there again." Lawson snapped. "Bedrooms."

"Ah, yes, follow me." Master Hand said, sighing. "Follow me."  
"Well." She said, after they had climbed four flights of stairs and entered a room at random. This certain room belonged to Captain Falcon, and its walls were covered in posters of cars and, as Captain Falcon would quite probably have put it, 'awesomely hot babes.'

The room was undeniably tidy. The bed was made up neatly and Falcons computer screen was squeaky clean, with his big fast cars screensaver flashing across it.

"Now," Lawson said, looking a bit downtrodden at the fact she couldn't mark Master Hand down any further. "How's the clothing space in this institution?"

She strode across to the wardrobe and opened it. Everything came out. Old slices of pizza, empty milk bottles, odd socks and a bound and gagged Samus.

"Bingo." Lawson said cruelly. "This place is goin' _down_."

"Why did this have to happen?" Master Hand moaned.

"Because," Mewtwo answered. "Anything that can go wrong, _will _go wrong."

"Murphy was a rather depressing person, wasn't he?" Peach said with a sigh.

_And now, reviews!_

_Razzkat: Lederhosen! Hurrah! _

_RoyalFanatic__: My grammar and structure isn't bad! It's just my terrible Scots accent makes it hard to type proper American dialect (I don't try hard though – It's just to give it less edge and no slang.) .. I'll update as soon as I've typed out the rest of my reviews, okay? Okay, err wot._

_Hrainian: Heee-ey-ey YAH! Um.. Yeah. So, you update now, mister!_

_Uber Spoonz: Yes, and I would write about that, but I don't have a clue as to what Thanksgiving is. Damn._

_Miyuutsuu__ Yeah, this one was boring.. But I'm glad, because now we have the story getting it on._

_Moon Tuxedo Mask: Why thank you!_


	3. Chapter 3 It was kind of a wang

Chapter Three:  
The One Where Master Hand Gets His Groove Back

OneWhoWalksWithPidgeons Ah! Hey. But thanks for the review. The SSB thread died again.. Oh well. Glad you like it.

Numdenu They song was there! The song that gets on your nerves! And it goes like this! o.o Thanks for the review.

Kitty29 Oh, I **suppose **I can forgive you! **Sighs.** Lol, thanks for the review!

Sentrosi But maybe you won't..

Uber Spoonz Flowers! **Sneezes.** Bah. Damn hey fever.

Miyuutsuu You did? **Squints at screen.** Huh. Thanks. You'll see a groovy Master Hand in this chapter, anyway.

razzkat As you should, as you should…

"I've got it!" Master Hand exclaimed, snapping his fingers. The rest of them groaned. So far, brain storming ideas to try and win the mansion back had been a most dismal affair, mostly with incredibly abysmal results.

"What?" Mario asked, his voice with his Italian lilt, which I refuse to spell out for the fear of butchering the Italian accent, and having several rabid Italians at my feet.

"Yes!" Master Hand continued to shout. "It is a most _wonderful_ idea! But it will need subtlety to pull off…"

"Then we're doomed." Fox said, laying his head on the table.

-

"WILL YOU GO TO BED WITH ME?"

"Wh… what?" Lawson said, staring, very frightened, at Master Hand.

"IF YOU GO TO BED WITH ME, YOU STOP BAD REPORT?"

"No." She said, glaring at him. "And I'm appalled you'd even think that!"

"DAMN." Master Hand began, dropping his voice to a more normal volume. "Damn."

She stared at him, dropped her pad, and began totear off her upper layer.

-

"We've been waiting for quite a while.." Captain Falcon muttered, blowing a pencil across the table. "Maybe we should check on them.."

"It has been quiet…" Samus agreed, blowing the pencil back to him.

"The calm before the storm." Peach commented. "You'll hear them going at it in a minute or two, mark my words…"

There was silence.

"I said **mark my words**!" Peach snarled, but there was no reply, except for the loud Hmm-mingh noises.

"Why do I feel that my childhood will be filled with too much information?" Ness asked.

"Oh.." Samus said, realization dawning on her, with most others in the room.

-And now, because I don't want to try and describe the horrors our heroes did face, I have a mindless distraction to take your mind off human on hand action. Presenting…-

**Crazy Hand Goes To The Shop  
(And struggles to remember what to buy.)**

"_Brother? Brother!  
Put the yo-yo down and listen to me! It is absolutely VITAL you get these items! Our lives depend on them!  
Now…"_

_Weee! Look at the yo-yo go! Gravity is so amazing! Uh oh, Master Hands talking. Quick, look interested! What's he talking about? Oh, look, a possum! _

"_Crazy? Crazy? Oh, why do I bother?"_

"Uh…" Crazy Hand stood in the middle of Shop 'N' Go, wishing that dratted possum hadn't distracted him.

"What do we do?" A shop assistant, whom we shall call Earl, asked. It was his first day, and he was close to tears. "It's been there for ten minutes!"

The other workers ignored him, stacking shelves around the large floating appendage as though this were an everyday occurance.


End file.
